Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
Randomize
