I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
