So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
