I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
