Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize