Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I think that maybe Alyssa may of had too much to drink. is it normal for her to straddle random people in quizno's?
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
