Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
