Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
All the doctor said was why
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
