Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
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