the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
