Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
