Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
