I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
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