Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
