I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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