Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
