So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
