you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize
