A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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