I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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