Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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