3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
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