STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
