She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I didn't notice because vodka
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
