I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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