btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
