i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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