I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
only if we run a train.
done.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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