I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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