I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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