literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
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