he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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