Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
