Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Randomize
