We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
They left me at home... I'm a liability
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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