You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
