Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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