6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
