Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize
