This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
