So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
