Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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