Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
It was a blind-side dick pic.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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