I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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