I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
