I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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