You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
