Im at strip club and am horny
I have demons in me.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
