My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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