i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
