I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
