I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
