Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
