Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
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Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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