So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Randomize
