No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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