I think I just saw someone hide a body.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
They took my balls.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Randomize
