oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
