She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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