I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
