look no pants
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
God, you're like boner-b-gone
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
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